"Realness"

I went to this woman's retreat this weekend and really came face to face with a lot of my fears and a lot of what I cant see in myself. Although it is only September I would like to start a new resolution, I Kandice Gerdes, choose from here on out to be honest, real, and authentic. Yes they all mean the same thing in general but when you get down to it, they are all very different and those differences allow for a lot of loop holes. I dont want to use the loop holes anymore. I want to intentionally cultivate my life, plant a healthy seed, and watch it grow. We are all original and have our own realities and I want you to be a part of mine.

I CHALLENGE each and every one of you to look inside, whether male or female and be real about one thing here. You can keep it anonymous if you so choose. And, do not try to sugar coat someone else's realness by telling them they are beautiful, or arent fat, we have this conversation with ourselves all of the time. While I am thankful for your support I want you to be real and just understand my fears and realities. Thank you for understanding.

My realness, I am terrified of the dark, thank you apartment on Culton St. I am terrified that no one will ever love me to the depths of their being and that I will never learn to be able to in turn love that someone to the depths of my being. I am terrified of what is yet to come as much as I am excited and say "BRING IT ON!". I am terrified that I am so fat my body will just give out and die. I am terrified that the woman in my life, myself included, do not realize how special they are and how blessed they are. I am terrified that I will fall flat on my face with the new job and the new apartment and my new life and the most sobering of all is that I am scared of being stuck, stuck in this place where I am afraid to meet new people, I am afraid to step outside my comfort zone and where most of all I am afraid to be real.

I love the ocean, the smell of rain coming, the wind on my face, sitting in a boat on the lake just feeling the rhythm that God is playing out in nature. I hate wearing shoes, no big surprise there. I love to watch plants take on life. I love to paint and see what comes from the vastness of my heart and mind mixed together. I love to drive off in one direction with no real place to go, just to see what is waiting out there. I love my niece more than anything else in the world right now. I love the way babies sound when they are to young to talk but have so much to say. I love to dance, to shake it all out and not care who is watching. I love fried green tomatoes, pears and cheese, sweet tea and ICE CREAM! And I love that I have been blessed with friends like you that come to read a blog that is rarely updated and rarely as exciting as I would imagine it could be.

This is by no means the depths of my reality, it is only the surface, but it is a beginning, a planting of the seed of life if you will. The old seed must die before new life can begin. Again I say, BRING IT ON! and I encourage you to take a minute and be real with yourselves and more authentic with others. It is okay to cry, to laugh, to scream out in anger, or to crumple on the floor because you have no more to give. Know that I will be there to cry with you, to laugh with you and I pray with all my heart that when I am on the floor crumpled, forsaken and bruised that you too will be on the floor for me.

I love you and am so blessed to have been part of a marvelous weekend full of amazing women.

Also check out this page, operationbeautiful.com. It is amazing.